3 Ways to Craft a Perfect First Date

 

Navigating the intricacies of modern dating is tough; with so many pitfalls and expectations, it can be hard to know how to act when you first take someone out. Luckily, though, some of us have experienced all of this awkwardness firsthand, and can offer some tips on how to make sure you come across cool, collected, and with an aura of undeniable mental stability.

 

  1. Dress for Success: Just like a job interview, a first date is an opportunity to showcase what makes you “you,” and your style is certainly going to factor into this. While you could get away with the typical button-up and slacks, it’s better to go with something that says something about your unique aesthetic and how you percieve yourself in the world, and also how prepared you are for the imminent apocalypse. Constantly bring attention to how many blunt weapons of opportunity you can conceal under your trench coat, or how much trail-mix your cargo pants can hold. When your waiter brings your glass of water, take out and demonstrate the purification tablets you always carry with you. When the check comes, simply beat the server physically with the broken broom stick you’ve had taped to your back all night until he submits and lets you eat for free, showing that when society collapses, you’ll have no qualms about abandoning your humanity in the name of survival and dominance. While these things may appear a bit off-putting to your date at first, they’ll appreciate it when an unforeseen cataclysmic event unfolds and your pocket-snacks and purification tablets are all that stands between you and certain doom.
  2. Be Relatable: We’re all just trying to connect with each other, to find that common ground where all of our unique life-experiences meet at a crossroad of shared emotion. Your prospective beau/belle is going to expect sparks to fly, but they won’t unless you hit the flint against rock and put yourself out there. Tell an amusing anecdote about your family, your old high school friends, or those four years you spent in deep cover as part of a DEA sting in Tallahasee. Talk about how Sunday dinners were important in your house growing up, that party you had senior year that got a little out of hand, or the moral strain you felt as you slowly befriended Raul, the crack cocaine manufacturer you’d meet in the parking lot of the Tallahasee TGI Friday’s every Tuesday night for 46 months. Show an old picture from when you had that awful haircut in college, or the scar on your abdomen from the night Raul discovered your betrayal, shivved you and left you bleeding out by the dumpster behind Friday’s. These seemingly mundane and run-of-the-mill kind of memories are what we all have in common, whether it’s a poorly planned family vacation, a loveable but incorrigible childhood pet, or a jacked crack slinger with equal parts tattoos and scars on his face that tried to violently end your life.
  3. Be Honest (Or Don’t): People respect others who they feel they can trust, who put their true selves on the line and say, “Hey, this is me, and if you don’t like it, I don’t care.” This is why you should always lead with your best foot forward and be completely honest with yourself and with your date. The truth is a solid foundation that the rest of the relationship will be built upon, so it’s important that it shines through on the first date. However, there is also the possibility that you are a terrible person, in which case, the truth will actually be pretty detrimental to your efforts. In this instance, it’s best if you lie about just everything that you can; level of education, name, etc. This is your chance to be creative and have fun! Did you go to Westchester Community College for a semester and a half, or are you a Harvard Graduate? Do you live in that seedy motel out by the sewage treatment plant, or in an Upper West Side brownstone? Are you a convicted felon, or an astronaut? Whose to say, really? You are, that’s who! So remember, honesty is key, unless it isn’t helpful, in which case, gratuitous lying is your best course of action.

 

Well, there you have it: all of the absolute necessities for locking down that second date! For other great life-hacks, be sure to check out our other articles, like “The Six Best Tar Pits in America for Disposing Evidence,” “Toilet Wine: A Beginner’s Guide,” and our long-running celebrity advice column, “Dear, O.J.”

-John Tucker

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